A healthy relationship is one in which both parties are living together in harmony sharing good and “not so good”, a situation where both parties thrive for a WIN-WIN atmosphere.

A healthy relationship can only come alive if both parties lay their intentions right out from the very beginning of the relationship. In essence a relationship must have a purpose. As a rule, I ensure that I get my friend to understand my reasons for coming into our relationship and also to understand theirs. This helps to prevent unforeseen quarrels from constantly coming up and also build trust from the beginning.

Laying intentions right out can only be achieved if communication is allowed to thrive among couples. “Talking and chatting” with your partner/friend instead of speaking should be encouraged. The latter involves only one person doing the “wordings” while the former involves “emphatic listening” without prejudice or any sense of judgment.

I remember counseling a couple some years back – they had a problem of alleged unfaithfulness. I told them that had they been talking and opening up to each others feeling this rancor would not have started in the first place. With much communication comes trust and respect. Communication is like cement and water needed to make a brick or block while trust and respect are the bricks so made from them.

Sharing, as mention earlier, also helps to build a healthy relationship. A relationship cannot stand strong if there is no sharing among couples. Sharing happy moments as well as sad moments together is very important just as “about-to-wed couples” will agree to the “in sickness and in health, richer or poorer” statement during a wedding ceremony.

Giving and exchanging gifts shows you love and cherish your partner and sends a sign that yes you are committed to the well being of the relationship.

For a relationship to be healthy it must exhibit a high degree of flexibility and tolerance. You must be ready to accommodate certain flaws from your partner. You know sometimes I wonder why couples do not think it is right to fight and quarrel, even identical twins grow up to develop different personalities not to talk of adult from different family background and values. Certainly there will be misunderstanding but the ability to be flexible, to tolerate and forgive cannot be over-emphasized.

These abilities are all in us, even when it seem silent in your case, it can be culture and nurtured to radiate even from afar! Let’s strive to always have a healthy relationship.

About the Author

Hosea Memoh. ]]> http://www.cuppalove.com/articles/relationships/a-true-healthy-relationship/feed/ 0 http://www.cuppalove.com/articles/dating/keeping-the-conversation-going/ http://www.cuppalove.com/articles/dating/keeping-the-conversation-going/#comments Tue, 29 Dec 2009 08:25:20 +0000 admin http://www.cuppalove.com/?p=393

One of the greatest advantages of dating online is that we’ve already had the chance to chat before we’ve met face-to-face. We already have an idea what interests this person and maybe what they’ve done with their lives.

However online dating can also have the affect of giving a false impression of someone we have just met online, as often times a real life date turns out to be much different than first perceived online.

Appearing shy on a first date is one of the hurdles we need to overcome to have first date success. Chatting online gives us a huge advantage for you to be able to prepare your offline conversation by taking notes based on your online chats.

It’s hard enough getting to know someone first up, so arrange your first date somewhere more interesting than the standard dinner and movie typical date. Go for a picnic by the river, allow nature to help you bond and overcome your shyness in peaceful surroundings.

Don’t make the mistake of picking a first date venue that doesn’t offer an interesting or stimulating environment. A busy cafe on the main road hardly presents the opportunity for you to make that vital first impression.

The art of conversing is a two-way street. If you see your date has stalled in the chatting game, then it’s time to take over the driving. Ask them questions about themselves and be interested in the answers. Use what you already know about them from when you first met in the singles chat room.

Be forthcoming with who you are as a person, we all love when someone opens up to us, especially on a date when we are trying our best to assess the other persons characteristics – make it easy for your date, show them who you really are.

It’s always wise to restrain yourself from being too opinionated about touchy subjects such as religion or race issues. Show your date your easy going and open minded self before you blast them with your pent up views about what’s wrong with the world.

Ask your date what he or she thinks about what you have to say, make them participate in the conversation, but don’t make the conversation all about you.

The very purpose of going on a date is to see what makes the other person tick. So by offering each other your experiences in a fun and light hearted way, sets the scene for stimulation conversation and builds interest. Talk about travel, adventures you’ve been on or about the time you went ski diving or skiing in Canada and do try to avoid talking about your EX!

About the Author

Today I am going to share some important information with you on how to approach women.

If you want to know the best way of how to approach women successfully, it’s important to convey a few things. Firstly, do not give out the impression that you are a desperate guy. If she see’s that you are making too much effort in your approach, that will give out the signal that you are desperate. So, don’t go running over to a girl you want to chat to.

Do not put a woman on a pedestal either. What i mean by that is don’t over pay her compliments every second, NEVER agree with everything she says and don’t smile and nod at her all the time either! These actions just give out the impression that she has the power to make you so happy and makes her inferior.

If you give her too much attention and too much approval it will all add up to desperation in a woman’s mind. That’s not the best way on how to approach women at all. I’m not saying be mean to the woman, just don’t overdo things too much.

When you see a woman you like for the first time, don’t stare at her for ages and THEN go up to her. This tells a woman that you are too nervous and that you don’t act on your desires. Simply go up to her instantly, making sure you have something to say to her when you arrive there.

Be sincere. It’s important for a woman to see that you are sincere and not some kind of psycho or a player. When you know how to approach women and have struck up a conversation with them, listen to what they are saying, have a normal conversation. If the woman in questions is very confident in herself, tease her. If she is less confident, then general small talk will suffice.

By using the advice above you should have no problem in knowing how to approach women next time around!

About the Author

Marriage can always be a beautiful thing if you want it. Everything depends on the attitude you are showing your partner. As a human, we all have wants and needs. And sometimes it will be our partner who can give it. Here are some marriage tips for couples.

First; show him/her you love her by appreciating everything he/she is doing. Always say thank you in every favor he/she is doing for you.

Second; ask him/her for a date. Go to a cozy place where you can talk. You can also ask him/her to go to a movie house. Remember not to bring anyone with you; it’s your moment as couples.

Third; always give your wife her favorite flowers. Always remember that a girl loves it when his man gives her a flower, it’s one way of showing you love her because you know what she likes.

Fourth; never go to bed without fixing your problem. Problems are part of our life so we should not let problem ruin your marriage, instead lets view it as a challenge and one way to strengthen your marriage.

Fifth; never talk to your husband/wife when you are mad. Because you might tell hurtful words that will worsen the problem. You need to think a thousand times before you speak. Will it hurt him/her? Will it affect other people? Will it fix the problem? Remember words can always break a heart.

Sixth; treat your spouse as your best friend. Share everything, be open-minded. A friend always listens; there is always a reason for everything. Never judge him/her until you hear his/her explanation. Give him/her a chance to talk, and to change especially if he/she is really willing to.

Seventh; never yell at each other in public. It is another way of showing that you respect him/her. Learn to settle agreements in calmer and much peaceful way.

Last; kiss everyday. Body contact is very important for a couple. Kissing is one way of showing your love for each other. It’s one of the hottest a couple can do. Those are simple marriage tips for couples.

About the Author

The modern toast to the bride comes from a very old tradition. Wine and other alcoholic drinks have been used for celebrations since ancient times. Wine was associated with vitality, health and fertility. The first toasts likely occurred in very ancient times but the first recorded toast happened in 450 AD at a feast in England.

Loud noises were believed to keep evil spirits away and the clinking of glasses helped to raise the noise level.

In early times the toast was part of the process of proving that the food and drink wasn’t poisoned when competing groups assembled. The host would drink and eat from the common food before serving the guests so they would know it was safe.

The term “toast” is derived from a popular practice of dunking toasted bread in wine to flavor it. The flavored wine would be shared by all the assembled guests.

The wedding toast to the bride and others at the wedding certainly derives from the same traditions of partying and welcoming guests as other toasting. As the tradition of toasting became more popular it also became more formalized with a strict order to the toasts. Today couples often hire a Master of Ceremonies to see that the toasts and speeches happen in a good order and no one gets left out that has something they want to say.

In the most common tradition the best man starts the speeches and finishes with a toast to the bride and groom. The actual toast is preceded by a speech where the guests and welcomed and thanked and the couple is praised and flattered. The actual toast consists of a wish for the wellbeing of the couple and asking the assembled guests to join in the wish by drinking. Everyone raises their glass toward the couple before clinking their glass with a neighbor and drinking.

After the best man speaks the groom is expected to give a speech thanking the guests for coming, saying something flattering about his family, his new in-laws and of course a declaration is his undying love for the bride.

Typically the bride speaks next followed by the maid of honor. The last speech and toast is often given by the father of the bride as he is nominally the host of the party. In some traditions the father of the bride is the first to speak.

Today’s nontraditional weddings often completely change the traditional order of speeches and toasting. While it is fun to follow tradition the fact is the wedding is for the couple and the guests assembled so whatever works best for everyone concerned is fine.

Giving a good wedding speech and toast to the bride is not easy and anyone needing to come up with a speech should put some effort into doing a good job. Many free and low-cost resources are available for learning the right way to toast to the bride.

About the Author

- For starters, and I know most break up articles say this, but you MUST cut off contact with the ex. Do not call them, text them, meet up with them “just as friends”; don’t even check their Facebook profile to see what they’re up to! Delete photos of them, previous messages, contact details etc. (alternatively you can box it all up and give it to a friend to hide).

- Focus on negative aspects of your ex; did they have an annoying laugh or a funny finger, anything negative about them, focus on it!

- Go out with friends…a lot! Try to minimize the amount of time you are alone. Try to go out to public places with them; meeting new people ALWAYS helps, even if it’s just a little bit. You never know you may meet someone else, and I know that’s not what you want to hear right now, but trust me, dating another person does help. Believe it or not, it will also increase your chances of getting your ex back too (but that’s for another article). You don’t have to sleep with anyone else, just keep it harmless dates; maybe try online flirting etc.

- Exercise! Exercising makes us feel good about ourselves and will help rebuild your confidence. Also try buying some new clothes, getting a different haircut, changing styles etc. All these will help rebuilding you back to yourself again!

- Something which always helped me a lot recovering from a break up was to keep telling myself that the whole universe is so immensely huge that in comparison my problem is so minuscule in the grand scheme of things. There could be another person, in another solar system in the exact same situation as me. For some reason this gave me comfort.

- Visualize yourself with other partners, fantasize about them. Or even fantasize about what you would do if you ruled the world or had infinite money. It’s important you do not fantasize about your ex at all.

Follow these tips and you will definitely notice a decrease in the pain you feel after a few weeks!

Good luck!

About the Author

Ryan D’eath. More information and tips can be found on Ryan’s blog.

While dating leads to love and marriage, dating is also a land ripe for rejection! Who hasn’t heard, and said, “You’re a great person, but…” One thing I know. If you’re out there taking chances, meeting new people and dating, you’re going to suffer rejection. The good news is rejection isn’t fatal! It just isn’t pleasant.

The truth is, the more chances we take in trying to find lasting love, the more we open ourselves up to the pain of rejection. But, as Radames sings in Aida, “Fortune favors the bold!” I’ve yet to meet anyone who sat at home, did nothing and had Prince Charming magically appear at her door. The bottom line is if you desire to find a life partner and enjoy the intimacy of lasting love, you must risk rejection.

My observation is that when rejection comes our way, we have the following choices:

1) Shutoff our hopes, dreams and feelings. Many singles make this devastating decision in an attempt to stop the pain. I understand why– rejection feels terrible and appears to confirm our deepest fears as it whispers we’re unlovable, inadequate, unworthy or simply not good enough! The problem with shutting off our hopes, dreams and feelings is that it limits our actions and ability to live and love. Furthermore, shutting off our hopes, dreams and feelings can lead to depression, which further hinds our desirability and our willingness to get back into the game when a relationship doesn’t work out. In short this decision prevents us from growing, achieving and eventually acquiring the relationship we desire and deserve!

2) Learn from it. Sometimes rejection occurs for a valid reason. Healthy individuals search to see if changes are in order and act accordingly. Perhaps you’re a bit boorish and dominate conversations. If this is true, learn ask interesting questions of others and listen to their responses! Maybe you disclose way too much information, way too soon. If so, let your love interest get to know you before you air out all your dirty laundry. Maybe you’re a couch potato, possessive, controlling or domineering… With work, you can change those patterns! The bottom line is, if there’s something you’re doing that’s pushing a potential partner away, fix it! We humans are incredibly bright and have the ability to learn and grow from every experience as long as we don’t choose bitterness, blame and anger as our response.

3) Recognize that rejection isn’t always about you! Others approach the world from their own needs and brokenness–maybe their mom dropped them on their head. Perhaps they’ve had bad experiences in the past and aren’t willing to risk letting another individual in. Who knows, you may even look like their second grade teacher! Or, just maybe, someone else is a better fit. If that’s the case, move on and value yourself highly enough to believe that you’re going to be a better fit for someone else. The truth of the matter is that regardless of how terrible rejection feels, it isn’t always personal!

4) Choose to view it as protection. Looking back on my life, I clearly see God’s hand of protection through many of the rejections I’ve experienced, relationships that had they progressed further would have been detrimental. I was convinced of what I wanted and had to have, but my radar was faulty and I continued to date emotionally unavailable men. I am so thankful for the bullets I’ve dodged that I could only see once a relationship had ended. With a little bit of practice it’s easy to learn to recognize and appreciate failed relationships that wouldn’t have been satisfying, mutual or healthy!

5) See it as a blessing! Beyond greater pain and potential disaster being adverted, in the long run I’ve often received something far better than what I would have happily settled for. Like in Garth Brooks’ “Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers…” A rejection from someone good, opens up room in your life for someone better!

While we can’t control rejection, the choice to learn, grow and move forward is always ours. If you’ve closed your heart, ask God to heal it. Find a good counselor if you can’t get over things on your own. I personally owe a great deal to counselors-it’s amazing how helpful a well-trained, objective third party can be! If you want to attract a confident, healthy partner, you need to be a confident, healthy person in your own right.

Ultimately, each of us is responsible for growing and for taking the steps and risks to achieve our dreams. Great relationships don’t magically happen! If you want to meet Prince Charming, you can’t spend your life in front of your television. Learning to view rejection as a friend, protector and teacher will enable you to pick yourself up, because someone out there is a better fit! Move confidently in the direction of your dream relationship and always remember that rejection isn’t fatal. Ultimately, it all boils down to, “to the riskers go the spoils.”

About the Author

Sherene McHenry runs a company called Fully Engaged and works with individuals and organizations who want their members to develop healthy relationships and life life to the fullest. To view a clip of Sherene speaking go to: http://www.youtube.com/user/McHenryIntl.

For additional information on Sherene and the resources she offers go to http://www.sherenemchenry.com.

Get To Know Him Based On Respect

The word “courting” can be labeled as dating by society, but we cannot compare apples with oranges – they are two different things. Sex is almost always a given in a dating relationship. In a dating relationship you may not really know the man you are with. He may seem evasive and not like to talk about himself. That is a red flag of dating. You may never meet his parents before the relationship crumbles? He may not care to meet your parents. All you know about him is what he has told you. He most likely has dated and had sex with several other women before you. Who knows if he has a venereal disease, AIDS, HIV – who knows.

Courtshipping is getting to know each other through respect of each other. Sex is never an issue and should never be. It is regarding yourself with respect and regarding him with respect. The minute you become trapped in the sexual schemes of dating you have lost the battle with self-respect and you will get hurt. That is what dating is – love them and dump them.But usually with dating there is really no love involved.

Who is this guy who suddenly shows up in your life? Is he considerate of your feelings or does he seem selfish and egotistical – only out for one thing? A man who genuinely likes you will behave respectful. He will respect you for who you are, not for what you can do for him or what he can receive from you.

Let Him Get To Know You Based On Respect

Be honest about who you are, right from the start. Don’t beat around the bush, letting him think you will have sex with him. Let him know right off the bat that no sex is one of your boundaries and you will not give in. If he walks away, great. If he decides to stay for the ride, that’s great too, but certainly doesn’t mean he is a good guy. Tread lightly by only being friends.

It’s okay to talk about yourself and your likes and dislikes. Talk about what you feel comfortable about divulging, but do not play on his ego and give him any private information that will involve the two of you emotionally. Don’t let him be the savior/hero who comes into to rescue you from something going on in your life. Don’t get personal with him about your problems or family…until you can see that he can be trusted. Some things are left unsaid until the relationship evolves from just friends to trusted friends.

Don’t Give In Sexually

If a man really, really cares for you and is serious about you as a possible marriage prospect he will respect your boundaries and not ask you for sex. So don’t ever put yourself in a situation where either one of you will become tempted and give in – because that could ruin the relationship. This means that you should probably never go out alone together but always bring a sister, brother, mother, or another friend or couple to come a long with you. This is preferable and practical in a courting relationship.

Temptation can be hard to overcome, especially if we tell ourselves there is really nothing wrong with having sex with someone we have known for months. If you break the courtship rules and have sex it will change the relationship immensely. It will change your attitude towards one another – it will begin to cause numerous problems within the purity of the relationship that could harm it considerably. Jealousy, suspicion, control, resentment, and all kinds of negative emotions begin to play out because now you are just dating. That’s what dating is.

Don’t Get Emotionally Involved

The minute you allow your emotions to rule a relationship you’re now dating. Dating is a negative sexual agenda that almost always ends negatively, even if you happen to get married. Couples who have dated many partners before marriage aren’t prepared for marriage because they really do not understand the difference between dating and marriage. Courtshipping is about respect and commitment, and getting to know someone better for the prospect of a possible marriage partner. It is not to see what you can get from a relationship, but rather what the relationship can become.

About the Author

Angie Lewis has written five books on how to have a happy marriage. In her books she offers marriage tips, tools, techniques, and wisdom filled answers for you to apply in your marriage. From issues such as adultery, addiction, pornography, emotions, beliefs, forgiveness, communication and submission – it’s all here!

For more information about this book and marriage books, please visit: http://www.heavenministries.com

To see book previews, please visit: http://stores.lulu.com/angielewis

For a long, long time I knew “he” was out there and that as fate would have it I would find him. This was the period in my life when I struggled for survival alone.I had just come out of a marriage, that I had not been ready for in the first place – it is always much easier to see these things in retrospect – and for the first time in eleven and half years, I was single.

I married in 1983 after a seven year (to the day) courtship. You might say: seven years! Wow, for someone who wasn’t prepared for marriage, it’s not like you rushed into it! Well here’s the thing; I was 15 years old when we met and by 21 I had nowhere near the maturity required to contemplate wedlock. I don’t know whether I really loved him at all, I had very low self esteem back then, stemming from lack of affection in my family and when this good looking young man showed an interest, I could not believe it! He was one of the popular ones at school, girls were lining up to be with him and he wanted me! “I better go for this”, I thought, “I may never find anyone like this again.”

This began a pattern in my life of getting involved with the first male who would come along because in my mind the chances of finding anyone else were close to none. I took in the attention and never stopped long enough to question how I felt about this person. I just wanted someone and that was it.

After my marriage break up I began the quest to find my “Soul Mate”. When I would find him he would love and adore me and treat me like a queen and I would never be alone, or scared as he would take care of everything for me. Note that my plans never included how I would feel about him or what I would give to him. I was self centered and naive and terribly scared of being alone. I believed this magical man would be shot by Cupid’s arrow (I really did!) and fall madly in love with me. Was I chasing an unrealistic dream?

Joseph Ghabi is a clairvoyant and medium. He started the “Free Spirit Centre” website. He has a good article in it about soul mates, “Soul Mates is another Soul that share the same exact similar way of understanding as the other Soul and in this lifetime so they decided to share their growth and understanding together. It does NOT mean Soul Mates have to be in a relationship to make it work.”

A soul mate is not necessarily someone you will share a romantic relationship with; if it is it might not be a life long one.

In 2001 the “National Marriage Project” at Rutgers University ran a national survey of 1003 people aged 20 to 29. Of these 61% had never married. Social historian Barbara Dafoe Whitehead and David Popenoe headed the research and asked these young people questions in regards to their thoughts on marriage and divorce. 94% of the “never marrieds” stated that “when you marry you want your spouse to be your soul mate, first and foremost.” When asked how important it is to them to find someone who shares religious and ethical beliefs only 42% believed that it is paramount to be with someone who shares these core values. I obtained this information from an article by Scott M Stanley adapted from his book “The Power of Commitment”. He calls this myth about soul mates “soul-mate-ism”. “The danger is that many people hold to their desire for a soul mate who does not exist, and believe all the most unrealistic and dangerous things that are attached to the term”, he says.

As I look back at my experiences I can recall people I would recognize as soul mates and yet they were certainly not love interests. These days my own daughter fits that mold.

So what of romantic love? Should we all lose that hope of finding “the one” who will bring us endless joy and affection? I don’t think so. I still believe that there is someone out there for everyone and that a special person will bring you precious gifts under the guise of life lessons.

We have this belief that our love soul mate will be exactly like us and that we will get along so well, but think about it; you will never have a clean house if you are both messy. The other side to this is of course that when two people are polar opposites they can also drive each other crazy, I know as a neat freak I would soon get fed up of picking up after a sloppy friend.

My view – now I am much older and wiser – is that the Universe will send to us the perfect balance, being the person whom we have the most to learn from. Although this can be challenging and we sometimes wonder how clashing with someone can in any way be educational.

This is an interesting piece of information from “Netscape Love & Personal” website: “So do soul mates really exist? Researchers from the State University of New York at Buffalo say YES! You can find your perfect soul mate. Here’s the warning: It may only exist in your mind. Even if there is no such thing as a perfect soul mate, we can still believe we have found one. Both men and women are capable of developing a very real sense that our partners are mirror images of ourselves. That lets us see similarities that really don’t exist. But if we think they exist, then presto! We have a soul mate.”

All in our mind they say? Perhaps this is the explanation for the initial bumping into walls, butterfly in the stomach “in love” stage when you first meet someone. Of course at this time all the bad habits and faults are invisible. It’s because we have found “the one” that’s why! It is important that for a relationship to work the negative traits rise to the surface and that we fight at times and still love each other anyway. Yes it is ok to fight; you just have to learn to “fight well”. Be fair and remember it’s all right not to win sometimes. The old cliché about communication being the key is quite apt I think. Let’s face it; ESP was not on the curriculum at school so to except to be able to read each other’s mind is pretty far fetched.

As I reminisce about the time in my life when I felt most alone, afraid and desperate to find “the man”, I wish that I had stayed on my own for a lot longer and got to know myself and learnt to fill my own needs, because I did not find happiness until I stopped and did just that. I made a decision one day that I was ok and if I was to remain single for the rest of my days that would be ok too. I had finally discovered that I could be happy without a man. Don’t get me wrong it did not happen overnight, it was a struggle to just stop searching and just “be”. I realized that I had all I needed all along and there was not a man in sight!

I did meet someone eventually and, you guessed it; it was just when I least expected him and he got to know the “whole of me” as a complete human being. I did not have to settle for anything less than what I wanted and deserved. I look at my partner now and goodness knows we have had a lot of downs with our ups, but the way I see it, I’m a soul, he’s a soul and we are mates.

About the Author

Paula Maher
Reflections Under The Bodhi Tree

How are we to guess the consequences of attaching ourselves to “Mr. Wrong” when we are blinded, and often in a stupor by love? Here is a list of warning signs that will trigger those alarm bells; all you need to do is pay attention.

1) He is possessive. Is he alienating you from your family and friends? No, it’s not sweet that he wants you all to himself. It is not healthy for him to control your every move; you are an individual who was not born attached to someone else’s hip, nor should you be now.

2) Enjoys putting you down, especially in front of other people. Don’t ever buy it when he says, “I was only joking!” It isn’t funny, not for you and not for others witnessing the attack.

3) He suggests you modify your appearance. Marilyn Barnicke Belleghem is a Registered Marriage and Family Therapist from Canada. She tells the story of a potential partner who turned out to be not so nice, “You know something is wrong when a new man suggests you change something about yourself. I once dated a man and on the second date he asked if I would change my highlighted brown hair to red as he found red heads to be the sexiest of all women. If I had changed my hair color that would have been the beginning of many more manipulations where I gave away control of my Self. I would have given him power and acted as if I wasn’t confident about how I look.”

4) He loves taking the guys with him on your dates! How could you possibly put up with even one pal of his, who is bound to be inebriated by the end of the night along with Prince Charming, whom by this stage will more than likely be totally obnoxious and oblivious of your presence?

Judy Bolton and Wendy Bolton Floyd are sisters. They co-authored a great book titled “When Did You Know…He Was Not The One.” Judy talked to me about the time she was attached to a man who cared more for his pals than his relationship, “I was married to my husband who unfortunately thought his friends and acquaintances were more important than his life with me and our two sons. It’s one thing when you’re a teenager and your friends are the most important thing in your life but when you’re a mature adult and would rather hang out with your friends than assume adult responsibility than there is definitely a problem.”
Hear that? It’s those bells tolling…

5) He is difficult to get hold of. “When a man gets defensive about where he has been and who he has been with and gives weak excuses for being absent or very late a warning bell needs to be heard. If the man stopped for a haircut or to have his car washed there is no need for it to take half a day or for it to be a secret. While a suspicious attitude can frighten a man, being open and honest about his activities is a sign of not having secrets to hide”, says Marilyn.

6) Avoids your friends and family and will not introduce you to his. What are the secrets that he is keeping? Perhaps he may fear your loved ones “may spot the creep” and warn you against him, or maybe, he just doesn’t care! Bells will ring if you find there is a lot of mystery about his background. If you do encounter his loved ones keep an eye for their characters, it will say a lot about him too.

7) He is constantly complaining about money, or he is a miser with his finances. It does not equate happiness to be attached to someone who will question every penny you spend, especially when it’s your own hard earned money! It is also a good idea to watch out for a guy who is absolutely hopeless with cash, wastes his own and then turns to you for loans, which of course are rarely repaid.

8) He is generally rude, especially to service people such as waiters and shop assistants. Does he anger easily? Watch out! This is a man with problems, who is not nice as you will more than likely discover later on as you pick your shattered heart off the floor or worse feel trapped in fear of him.

9) Now this is a big one! The tan mark: left hand, ring finger… Hello? Here go those bells again! He may tell you he is separated. He may not be lying, but if he is serious about you, I would suggest he takes a walk and returns to you with signed divorce papers, which brings me to the subject of children if he has any. Get very clear in regards as to when they visit, what the custody arrangements are and what his relationship boundaries are with the ex.
Of course if you have kids, please be very careful. It is not just your heart at risk here; children can be just as affected by break-ups.

10) He is not all that interested in sex. “A lack of interest in sex is a sign to be wary of if a woman is looking for a sexual partner. Many women seek well dressed and groomed men yet fail to ask if the man has had homosexual experiences. Often a gay man will seek out a powerful and beautiful woman as a cover for his sexual preference. He is not interested in her sexually but does want her as a cover”, says Marilyn. Gay men can make the best of friends, but romance? Be realistic. Hear this loud and clear. You cannot change him! It is up to the individual to reinvent himself, and in regards to his sexuality, that is something not even he can change. Of course a preoccupation with sex is a warning sign. Does he prefer lingerie at all times? Go for man that can appreciate warmer clothing, and is not overly concerned with how you look.

11) He suffers from constant blues unless he is in party mode. Big, big worry this one! Alcohol and substance abuse are not pretty and a co-dependent life is not a joyous one. If he is not happy unless he’s high it becomes a deal breaker: “Get sober and stay sober on your own for the next 2 years, then call me and I am still available we’ll talk.” Seriously!

12) He puts his work before you most of the time. Since when is anything more important than you? If you don’t believe you are to be number one at all times, you may need a little help to see that before you enter a relationship.

13) A bad sign is a guy who has an awful lot of exes who of course happen to be female (I hope) and are still hanging around and he claims that “it’s okay for men and women to be just friends, so stop being so insecure.” I once dated a man who was commitment phobic (oops, I hear bells again!) and on our second year, when I questioned his intentions towards me he accused me of being insecure and I bought it. So much so that I apologized to him! Do you believe it? I woke up to myself shortly thereafter and needless to say we were duly over. Who needs an idiot who says he loves you, but wants to keep his options open? “We need to see other people, no need to be exclusive.” Rubbish! Don’t ever settle for that unless it is what you want also.

14) You are always making excuses for him. You shouldn’t have to do that. Watch out for the guy who gets defensive when you question him. “Attacks in responses to your questions needs to set of an alarm that this man is not accountable for his actions”, says Marilyn.

15) Finally, trust your intuition. You know that gut feeling; the one that tells you that all is not well? Don’t ignore it. It’s more than likely more trustworthy than any man. If a male makes you feel anxious, insecure sad and generally feel not so good about yourself, stop and listen and you will certainly hear the sound of those bells. Remember, relationships, romantic or otherwise are to enhance your life, not make it more difficult.

I challenge you to consider this; the right person for you to fall in love with right now is you. It is only when you truly care about yourself that you will make only the best choices and have the clear vision to see through deception and unacceptable behavior.

One more thing; run for the hills should those bells start ringing!

About the Author

Paula Maher
Reflections Under The Bodhi Tree