A healthy relationship is one in which both parties are living together in harmony sharing good and “not so good”, a situation where both parties thrive for a WIN-WIN atmosphere.

A healthy relationship can only come alive if both parties lay their intentions right out from the very beginning of the relationship. In essence a relationship must have a purpose. As a rule, I ensure that I get my friend to understand my reasons for coming into our relationship and also to understand theirs. This helps to prevent unforeseen quarrels from constantly coming up and also build trust from the beginning.

Laying intentions right out can only be achieved if communication is allowed to thrive among couples. “Talking and chatting” with your partner/friend instead of speaking should be encouraged. The latter involves only one person doing the “wordings” while the former involves “emphatic listening” without prejudice or any sense of judgment.

I remember counseling a couple some years back – they had a problem of alleged unfaithfulness. I told them that had they been talking and opening up to each others feeling this rancor would not have started in the first place. With much communication comes trust and respect. Communication is like cement and water needed to make a brick or block while trust and respect are the bricks so made from them.

Sharing, as mention earlier, also helps to build a healthy relationship. A relationship cannot stand strong if there is no sharing among couples. Sharing happy moments as well as sad moments together is very important just as “about-to-wed couples” will agree to the “in sickness and in health, richer or poorer” statement during a wedding ceremony.

Giving and exchanging gifts shows you love and cherish your partner and sends a sign that yes you are committed to the well being of the relationship.

For a relationship to be healthy it must exhibit a high degree of flexibility and tolerance. You must be ready to accommodate certain flaws from your partner. You know sometimes I wonder why couples do not think it is right to fight and quarrel, even identical twins grow up to develop different personalities not to talk of adult from different family background and values. Certainly there will be misunderstanding but the ability to be flexible, to tolerate and forgive cannot be over-emphasized.

These abilities are all in us, even when it seem silent in your case, it can be culture and nurtured to radiate even from afar! Let’s strive to always have a healthy relationship.

About the Author

Hosea Memoh. ]]> http://www.cuppalove.com/articles/relationships/a-true-healthy-relationship/feed/ 0 http://www.cuppalove.com/articles/relationships/surviving-the-break-up-of-a-relationship/ http://www.cuppalove.com/articles/relationships/surviving-the-break-up-of-a-relationship/#comments Tue, 22 Dec 2009 07:28:23 +0000 admin http://www.cuppalove.com/?p=367 So you’ve been dumped, most of us have been there, so you’re not alone. This is the first article, of several, that will provide the most effective methods of surviving a break up, and help you either get on with your life, or eventually get your ex back.

- For starters, and I know most break up articles say this, but you MUST cut off contact with the ex. Do not call them, text them, meet up with them “just as friends”; don’t even check their Facebook profile to see what they’re up to! Delete photos of them, previous messages, contact details etc. (alternatively you can box it all up and give it to a friend to hide).

- Focus on negative aspects of your ex; did they have an annoying laugh or a funny finger, anything negative about them, focus on it!

- Go out with friends…a lot! Try to minimize the amount of time you are alone. Try to go out to public places with them; meeting new people ALWAYS helps, even if it’s just a little bit. You never know you may meet someone else, and I know that’s not what you want to hear right now, but trust me, dating another person does help. Believe it or not, it will also increase your chances of getting your ex back too (but that’s for another article). You don’t have to sleep with anyone else, just keep it harmless dates; maybe try online flirting etc.

- Exercise! Exercising makes us feel good about ourselves and will help rebuild your confidence. Also try buying some new clothes, getting a different haircut, changing styles etc. All these will help rebuilding you back to yourself again!

- Something which always helped me a lot recovering from a break up was to keep telling myself that the whole universe is so immensely huge that in comparison my problem is so minuscule in the grand scheme of things. There could be another person, in another solar system in the exact same situation as me. For some reason this gave me comfort.

- Visualize yourself with other partners, fantasize about them. Or even fantasize about what you would do if you ruled the world or had infinite money. It’s important you do not fantasize about your ex at all.

Follow these tips and you will definitely notice a decrease in the pain you feel after a few weeks!

Good luck!

About the Author

Ryan D’eath. More information and tips can be found on Ryan’s blog.

For a long, long time I knew “he” was out there and that as fate would have it I would find him. This was the period in my life when I struggled for survival alone.I had just come out of a marriage, that I had not been ready for in the first place – it is always much easier to see these things in retrospect – and for the first time in eleven and half years, I was single.

I married in 1983 after a seven year (to the day) courtship. You might say: seven years! Wow, for someone who wasn’t prepared for marriage, it’s not like you rushed into it! Well here’s the thing; I was 15 years old when we met and by 21 I had nowhere near the maturity required to contemplate wedlock. I don’t know whether I really loved him at all, I had very low self esteem back then, stemming from lack of affection in my family and when this good looking young man showed an interest, I could not believe it! He was one of the popular ones at school, girls were lining up to be with him and he wanted me! “I better go for this”, I thought, “I may never find anyone like this again.”

This began a pattern in my life of getting involved with the first male who would come along because in my mind the chances of finding anyone else were close to none. I took in the attention and never stopped long enough to question how I felt about this person. I just wanted someone and that was it.

After my marriage break up I began the quest to find my “Soul Mate”. When I would find him he would love and adore me and treat me like a queen and I would never be alone, or scared as he would take care of everything for me. Note that my plans never included how I would feel about him or what I would give to him. I was self centered and naive and terribly scared of being alone. I believed this magical man would be shot by Cupid’s arrow (I really did!) and fall madly in love with me. Was I chasing an unrealistic dream?

Joseph Ghabi is a clairvoyant and medium. He started the “Free Spirit Centre” website. He has a good article in it about soul mates, “Soul Mates is another Soul that share the same exact similar way of understanding as the other Soul and in this lifetime so they decided to share their growth and understanding together. It does NOT mean Soul Mates have to be in a relationship to make it work.”

A soul mate is not necessarily someone you will share a romantic relationship with; if it is it might not be a life long one.

In 2001 the “National Marriage Project” at Rutgers University ran a national survey of 1003 people aged 20 to 29. Of these 61% had never married. Social historian Barbara Dafoe Whitehead and David Popenoe headed the research and asked these young people questions in regards to their thoughts on marriage and divorce. 94% of the “never marrieds” stated that “when you marry you want your spouse to be your soul mate, first and foremost.” When asked how important it is to them to find someone who shares religious and ethical beliefs only 42% believed that it is paramount to be with someone who shares these core values. I obtained this information from an article by Scott M Stanley adapted from his book “The Power of Commitment”. He calls this myth about soul mates “soul-mate-ism”. “The danger is that many people hold to their desire for a soul mate who does not exist, and believe all the most unrealistic and dangerous things that are attached to the term”, he says.

As I look back at my experiences I can recall people I would recognize as soul mates and yet they were certainly not love interests. These days my own daughter fits that mold.

So what of romantic love? Should we all lose that hope of finding “the one” who will bring us endless joy and affection? I don’t think so. I still believe that there is someone out there for everyone and that a special person will bring you precious gifts under the guise of life lessons.

We have this belief that our love soul mate will be exactly like us and that we will get along so well, but think about it; you will never have a clean house if you are both messy. The other side to this is of course that when two people are polar opposites they can also drive each other crazy, I know as a neat freak I would soon get fed up of picking up after a sloppy friend.

My view – now I am much older and wiser – is that the Universe will send to us the perfect balance, being the person whom we have the most to learn from. Although this can be challenging and we sometimes wonder how clashing with someone can in any way be educational.

This is an interesting piece of information from “Netscape Love & Personal” website: “So do soul mates really exist? Researchers from the State University of New York at Buffalo say YES! You can find your perfect soul mate. Here’s the warning: It may only exist in your mind. Even if there is no such thing as a perfect soul mate, we can still believe we have found one. Both men and women are capable of developing a very real sense that our partners are mirror images of ourselves. That lets us see similarities that really don’t exist. But if we think they exist, then presto! We have a soul mate.”

All in our mind they say? Perhaps this is the explanation for the initial bumping into walls, butterfly in the stomach “in love” stage when you first meet someone. Of course at this time all the bad habits and faults are invisible. It’s because we have found “the one” that’s why! It is important that for a relationship to work the negative traits rise to the surface and that we fight at times and still love each other anyway. Yes it is ok to fight; you just have to learn to “fight well”. Be fair and remember it’s all right not to win sometimes. The old cliché about communication being the key is quite apt I think. Let’s face it; ESP was not on the curriculum at school so to except to be able to read each other’s mind is pretty far fetched.

As I reminisce about the time in my life when I felt most alone, afraid and desperate to find “the man”, I wish that I had stayed on my own for a lot longer and got to know myself and learnt to fill my own needs, because I did not find happiness until I stopped and did just that. I made a decision one day that I was ok and if I was to remain single for the rest of my days that would be ok too. I had finally discovered that I could be happy without a man. Don’t get me wrong it did not happen overnight, it was a struggle to just stop searching and just “be”. I realized that I had all I needed all along and there was not a man in sight!

I did meet someone eventually and, you guessed it; it was just when I least expected him and he got to know the “whole of me” as a complete human being. I did not have to settle for anything less than what I wanted and deserved. I look at my partner now and goodness knows we have had a lot of downs with our ups, but the way I see it, I’m a soul, he’s a soul and we are mates.

About the Author

Paula Maher
Reflections Under The Bodhi Tree

Q: I have a relationship question: My ex-husband has been so atrocious, and so difficult to get along with that now that I’m finally divorced – I can’t even look at a man without thinking, "he’s probably a jerk, – all men are jerks." I can’t help but feel that way — but I would like to find a really great guy that could prove me wrong. What can I do to get so lucky?

Ahhh, Love and Romance, Dating and Relationships!

A: I once had a relationship with a guy that when we broke up, I was proud of myself for being up front and honest. I explained that I didn’t see that the two of us had a future, that I had met someone and I wanted to end our relationship before I pursued another with someone else. I was feeling oh so secure in the manner in which I handled the break up. Then I discovered he stole my money, my antique coin collection, my credit cards and I found my self singing, "I don’t know why I love you like I do, after all the changes that you put me through, you stole my money and my cigarettes,… take me to the river, wash me down…." Al Green has had such a profound effect on my relationship woes. After that one, I swore all men were jerks – and to my amazement they really were — at least the one’s interested in me – a criminal, a pathological liar, a Casanova, a crude heathen – shall I continue or am I vulnerable enough here?

Dating tip #1: You will always get what you expect!

I use examples from my own life experiences to illustrate that it’s not only very difficult but virtually impossible to attract any quality partners when our "thinking is so stinking!" First off, logic would make us ask – why would a great, uplifting, supportive, considerate, kind, genuine guy want a girlfriend that would be so quick to judge and classify him with all the other "men" we quickly label as unacceptable male specimens? Then when we get into the more definitive laws of nature, we have to acknowledge the completely unbiased and never surrendering Law of Attraction. Jerry and Esther Hicks in A New Beginnings II, say of the law of attraction – "that which is likened unto itself is drawn." We get what we put our attention on and the more we verbalize what jerks men can be — the more we invite jerks into our lives.

Dating tip #2: Heal your past

If we are to re-direct our point of attraction there are two things we can do – forgiveness and appreciation. First, forgive your ex-husband, yourself and any person in your life whom you have even the slightest resentment towards. The only catch is that you must forgive wholly from your heart without any begrudging, lingering resentment or expectation of any reciprocal effect. To explain, there are two kinds of forgiveness, one cuttingly described by Oscar Wilde when he said, " Always forgive your enemies. Nothing disturbs them more." Although this kind of forgiveness may feel mischievously virtuous in the moment it does not free you to attract what you are really wanting. The second kind of forgiveness asks nothing in return except that you and your heart be set free from the bondage of previous resentment.

An excellent exercise to process forgiveness is to write a letter and if the letter cannot be sent — then mail it to the north pole, burn it or put it in a bottle thrown to the sea — but let it go so you can close that door.

Relationship advice and Dating advice to live by: Appreciation is king!

Now onto the act of royal appreciation… nothing feels better than pure appreciation and nothing will assist you in attracting what you really want more than appreciating everything and everyone in your life. In this state of appreciation you become a magnet for love. To drive my point home, I’ve found the perfect excerpt from Catherine Ponder’s book, The Dynamic Laws of Prosperity, "…The time has come for you to realize that you should express the desire for love — from within outward, toward God, yourself, and your fellow man. A loving Father can do for you only what He can do through you. It is through your own thoughts, feelings and expectations that love is born. As you deliberately express love, it comes back to you multiplied."

Stand back and watch what happens as the most fabulous men around crawl out of the woodwork to be in your positive, upbeat presence — and luck has nothing to do with it!

© Copyright CreataVision Enterprises, Anisa Aven, all rights reserved.   Available for Free Reprint, visit http://www.creatavision.com/free_articles.htm To subscribe to Anisa’s Creative Manifesting newsletter and receive her FREE Conscious Creation 101 – 5-part e-course on the basics of manifesting please visit http://www.creatavision.com/creative_manifesting.htm or visit her websites at www.CreataVision.com or www.ManifestingProsperity.com

We had been dating for 6 months. We shared the same interests, felt very at ease together, had (often) discussed future plans and had even spent some of the holidays together. Our relationship seemed right on track and just right in general.

Then, without warning, he said he "needs some time to think and figure things out." He stopped calling and rarely returned my calls. When he did, I was often met with silence on the other end of the line. When I asked "what happened", I just got a verbal run around of excuses about how busy he is and/or how much stress he is under right now.

What happened? What did I do? I don’t know what to think.

Does the above scenario sound at all familiar? If so, you can relate to being confused and stunned over the sudden change in a boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s behavior.

Now think about this – What if your relationship wasn’t what you thought it was? What if unspoken issues had existed all along? What if there were signs you chose to ignore or just didn’t see? Are any of these possible?

Probably.

This sudden change in a couple’s relationship is reported quite a bit by individuals who have just broken up with a significant other. Unfortunately, it leaves the person who has been "dumped" with feelings of low self-esteem, regret, inadequacy and anger.

There is often no real closure, as the couple is never able (willing) to talk through what went wrong or was never right with their relationship.

So, how can you know what the problem was and hope to avoid a repeat of this hurtful experience? You can do this by examining your failed relationship and gaining insight and understanding about what just wasn’t right between you.

In order to assist you with this; I am providing a basic framework of the relationship stages a couple must pass through TOGETHER in order to get to a place of shared intimacy and commitment. If either person’s feelings change before, during or after one of these stages; it is not necessarily the "fault" of the other individual. It is simply a statement about the individuals’ rightness (or not) for each other. It is also a reflection of each individual’s relationship readiness and ability to handle long-term, committed intimacy.

How an individual handles their changing feelings and resultant behavior toward the other is a subject for another article.

Relationships have stages. We have all read articles and books by authors who have come up with their own unique number or names for these. I will try to take a very basic approach to this and keep it simple and as universal as possible.

Attraction

This is the first stage. It is physical, intellectual and emotional – on a very surface level. Girl sees boy and vice versa. They flirt, talk and get a very basic sense of the other. They are usually responding to a physical pull. He/she is cute, funny, charming, interesting to talk to, etc.

Without attraction, first dates wouldn’t happen. It can therefore be assumed that the other person finds us attractive if we have gotten to a first date.

In a way, this is the easy one. We are unknowns to each other. Things progress from this point or they do not. Hurt feelings are minimal. We usually chalk up rejection to; "I’m not his type". There is no need to analyze or wonder what went wrong.

If both people feel a strong enough level of attraction continues to exist after a few dates, they usually move along to stage two. However, if one finds the other has unattractive characteristics or behaviors, this can lead to an abrupt change in the relationship.

Remember, these behaviors or characteristics would be ones that would manifest in the very early stage of dating. Some examples: frequently late, never offers to pay, dresses or grooms sloppily, rude to waitress, etc.

Romantic Relating

In this second stage, couples begin to test out the idea of themselves as a unit. Dating is no longer brand new. It is more comfortable and predictable. Sharing romantic dinners and exciting special interests are typical dates during this new and fun time in a growing relationship.

During this stage, flowers are given for no special reason and loving cards are slipped back and forth with words like "thinking of you". It’s a happy carefree time, when lovers tend to idealize, romanticize and overlook that which can be right in front of them. The relationship seems effortless and spontaneous. Affection is shared openly and frequently. One’s partner seems perfect. There is rarely conflict during this period. The partners often share the unrealistic belief that their relationship is so special and unique that it will always stay this way.

This stage can last from three or four months up to more than a year. It is actually the shortest stage that any long-term relationship goes through. It is also the one we wish we could hold on to forever and long for when it is gone. This is the stage that love poems speak about. It is also believed (falsely) by many that this is what long-term committed love will always be like.

Many relationships begin to stumble at the end of this period. For that is when reality begins to set in. As partners begin to experience some disagreement, conflict and/or shared challenges- the relationship shifts as do the dynamics between the partners.

Though many relationships move past this stage, a number do not. Why? There are many reasons. These can include:

• lack of readiness for the challenges of the next stage
• issues with commitment and fidelity
• immature beliefs about what relationships should be
• being stuck on an idealized, romanticized notion of love

If one of the partners is not ready for a less than perfect and more demanding stage of love, they will exhibit this in their behavior, language and overall level of openness and availability towards the other.

This is when the couple begins to think more seriously of a future with each other. The focus tends to be; how well do we get along, do we share similar interests and do I want to date this person exclusively?

Growth Through Negotiation

This is a very challenging and growing time in all relationship building. Reality comes into play as the couple settles into the comfort and predictability of their togetherness. Little issues can become blown-up into large conflicts. The individuals begin to compete for their share of control and their place in this growing union. Differences can become highlighted instead of minimized.

This is often the period when couples experience their first fight. Hurt feelings can occur as that once loving and completely accepting other person airs a criticism or voices annoyance or concern. Often, the individuals believe it is the other person who needs to change.

This is where the need for (or lack of) communication, problem-solving and negotiating skills becomes apparent. For without an adequate measure of these, disagreements can break down into screaming matches where insults and recriminations are fired like missiles.

If the individuals can listen, be supportive of each other’s feelings, compromise and not lay blame, they have a good chance of working through this stage and achieving a true intimacy. This does not mean they will share all the same beliefs and opinions or that they will necessarily even like the other’s view. However, having and showing respect is a cornerstone of a healthy relationship.

Not only will relationships fail without these relationship-building strengths, they can also abruptly end if one of the partners decides that they don’t feel the same way about this person in their less than idealized state. The reality may not be to their liking or just something they are not ready for in general. Either way, they will pull back, present differently or disappear without warning. How they handle their changing feelings is further information about their level of relationship readiness and maturity in general.

Intimacy

Intimacy is the reward that is gained when a couple has successfully worked through the difficult last stage of negotiation. It is almost like a new coming together with much greater self (and other) awareness. This new information can work to solidify the union or give one of both individuals enough new information about the other to require a reassessment of their desire to remain together.

Each person looks at the other in their (naked) state and asks; "is this the person I want to be with"? Here their individual differences are highlighted. The early romantic haze has cleared. What they have to offer to each other and to a future life together comes into play.

This is a time when couples often begin to contemplate each other’s attributes in a more practical way. They look at the other’s strengths and weaknesses. They evaluate each other’s potential as a future spouse, parent, provider, caregiver, partner, etc.

Relationships can be tested more during this time. Infidelity is one dysfunctional way that some individuals do this. Often, this leads to the end of the relationship.

When differences can be seen, aired and accepted, the couple has a good chance of moving on together from this place. Essentially, they have decided they want to be with the other, warts and all.

When the behavior of one or both partners change, it is generally because they have made a conscious or unconscious decision regarding the wrongness of the other for them or for the type of relationship they seek.

Commitment

This is the final stage of relationship building. Once individuals have reached this place, they are ready to cement their bond. While much growth and work will lay ahead in a future life together, they are ready to begin this life soon.

New challenges arise during each stage, and will happen here as well. However, if the couple has successfully worked through the previous stages, they should have many of the tools they need.

The external problems and pressures that come with life will test their resolve and commitment over the years. They may need to reassess, re-negotiate and renew their feelings and commitment. Fortunately, they will be in possession of the basic tools required.

If they choose well to begin with, they should be successful.

As you evaluate your failed relationship, note the stage you were in when the change occurred. Chances are that the necessary level of readiness and maturity was not present in one or both of you. Perhaps one of you decided that this is not the kind of partner or relationship I am seeking.

This new information and insight should help you to choose a future partner who is better suited to you and desirous of the same kind of relationship that you are.

About the Author

Toni Coleman is a licensed therapist and relationship coach in private practice in McLean, Virginia. She specializes in working with singles who want to create lasting, intimate relationships. Toni has over 20 years of post-masters experience in relationship counseling and coaching with singles and couples. She is the founder and President of LifeChange Coaching and Consum-mate Relationship Coaching. She developed and teaches the Creating Lasting Relationships Training, a tele-workshop designed to help singles to define, implement and fulfill their life and relationship goals. She has also written numerous email classes for singles on all aspects of meeting, dating and relating. She is the author of the email newsletter, The Art of Intimacy, which goes out to thousands of subscribers monthly. http://www.consum-mate.com

It begins at birth when little boys are given a distinct physical advantage over little girls by having higher levels of testosterone. With testosterone comes the physical strength to both defend themselves from danger and/or run away from a threat. Most little girls don’t have that ability. They don’t have the strength to defend themselves in a physically fight when they feel threatened. If a boy trusts someone who in turn hurts them, they can always defend themselves physically (or try to). Little girls don’t have that physical option of power. Since a person can only trust from a position of strength, those same little girls will grow up into women who naturally have a more difficult time "trusting" when they feel vulnerable.

So men, when you ask the woman of your choice to simply "trust you," it’s not that she can’t, she’s just more vulnerable than you. If you want her to trust you, she needs something that will help develop that trust.

Perhaps even a tool or gesture that she can "count on " until that trust with you is established. Thankfully this tool already exist and is known every woman. What cultivates trust in a woman is a man who consistently keeps his word. Making a promise is meaningless if there is no follow through.

A woman needs to SEE her man fulfill his promises because seeing is always more powerful than hearing. Allow me to illustrate. Imagine someone told you that I was the meanest person they had ever met. For months all you heard was how terrible I treated my family and friends. Then one day you met me and during the course of our meeting you begin to notice that I didn’t seem to be as horrible as you were led to believe. I actually appeared to be rather pleasant. Would you change your entire opinion about me from one visit? Probably not! However, if you saw me respond consistently with kindness and humility over a period of weeks, your opinion of me would begin to change. A paradox has just been established. The kindness you have seen in me for the last few weeks does not match what you have heard about me. All the rumors of how mean I am begin to fade into darkness because of my consistent actions. Over time what you see will replace most if not all of your concerns about my character.

Men, when the woman you love sees your words lining up with your actions, trust will naturally follow. When you don’t keep your word it causes your wife/girlfriend to become fearful. From her perspective, she has entrusted you with her Heart and WANTS to trust you. She simply needs your help in giving you what you want.

About The Author

Bob Grant is a relationship coach who has just released the book, "The Woman Men Adore…and Never Want to Leave," which is available at relationshiphq@aol.com. He is married with a brand new baby girl!

Every day is almost the same, you are busting your hump trying to get this and that done while your list of errands keeps growing. And thanks to living in an exponentially growing population in an overpopulated city you spend an obnoxious amount of time in the car giving you more time to think about everything you still need to do. By the time you get home each day, you clean a little, shovel your special diet food that you ordered online (who has time to actually shop in a store and leisurely browse anymore?) which costs a small fortune and tastes like chicken feed and crawl into bed. Then you stay up late with your mind like a maelstrom worrying about everything you did not get accomplished. When does anyone have time for a relationship?

People who live and work in the city without a significant other or children are always on the go. You might think that a single man or woman lives the life of leisure: no obligations, no pressure, just complete freedom. And I suppose that there are plenty of single men and women who just stroll home after work, order pizza and plant their tushes on the couch to watch their usual prime time television line up. But these are the people whose tushes are the same size as the couch. Hey, no ambition, no life. However, these days our lives are getting busier and busier for most people. There is so much for us to do every day. Even the singlets of this world are screaming for more time. I seriously wonder how people are able to raise children today. I know I barely have time for nookie at the end of the day.

Perhaps it is because many people living in the city go through several stages of social behaviors and desires in their lives. At first we are the struggling young professionals straight out of college, accepting a bottom of the food chain job and struggling on a $20K salary. These were the days of buying Ramen noodles in bulk and picking up a bartending job in the evenings. You can’t even afford to date at this age. And if you could, when would you have time? Finally you get a better paying job and you move up in the business world. But now you have entered a whole new social world. You are financially able to drop the second job, get some new digs without holes in the seams and start enjoying the night scene with everyone else. Swiftly you discover the beau monde and your life is consumed with keeping up to date with all of the latest trends, making sure you look perfect in every way and of course making sure everyone thinks you are the "it" guy or girl. How can you possibly start a relationship now? He or she might actually find out that your not fabulous. Besides, it is much more hip to have a new fling every week. This is the period of our lives where we are all poseurs. After a few years of fun and reckless behavior, you get promoted to a more prominent position in the business world. Now you realize your responsibility and you may even take it seriously. Your life might change, but your busy schedule does not. It just gets worse.

When you actually get involved in that serious relationship, you must devote time to it. To do so, you have to give up things that you don’t necessarily want to give up. I always believed that we work so that we can have time. We buy time. We work so that we are able to luxuriate in vacations with our loved ones and so we can buy expensive lingerie to keep the spark alive. But instead of spending as much time as we can with our sweethearts, we end up spending our time washing the car, burning the flab in Pilates class, picking up the cat food and cursing the poor slob who broke down in the middle of a one lane road during rush hour. We are so greedy and obsessed with our appearance and materialistic needs that we find it difficult to give our own time, our most precious commodity, to someone else. Then again, when we daydream about the kind of future life we want, we envision a life surrounded by family and friends, a house in the burbs, a loving spouse and children and spending the days at home being independently wealthy. We see ourselves doing what we really want and need: spending time in the arms of our darlings.

For questions and comments contact The Advice Diva at:
thediva@advicediva.com

Please visit http://www.advicediva.com for more articles by the Diva

We all know that it is possible to keep passion, romance, excitement and sexual intensity alive through the years, but we also know that many relationships settle into a kind of friendly (or not so friendly) roommate situation. Every relationship has its ups and downs, but there are tools that can keep passion perking right along. Here are 10 of them:

1. Be kind. I’m writing this on a cruise ship and it’s fascinating to watch people grouch at their spouses, then turn around and share a friendly smile with a stranger. We tend to take family and best friends for granted. A smile, a wink, just a moment of kindness goes a long way.

2. Be attentive. Paying attention to the details of life is important. Pick up your own trash, and pick up for each other. Put things away, help each other with the small projects around the house. These things are the currency of love.

3. Be gracious. Small surprises can create huge rewards in a relationship. I think of it as the "Martha Stewart Effect". Taking a moment to put on a clean shirt before dinner, or using the good china, or cutting a flower from the garden and putting it on the table, are examples. All these things add color, spice, and graciousness to our lives.

4. Be patient. We all have bad days. It happens. When it happens to your spouse, be smart! Take the kids to the park for an hour, order Chinese take-out for dinner. Give him/her a break! This is the reality of life. Allow for it.

5. Be honest. Tell the truth about your feelings, and do it promptly and in a respectful, effective way. Share your disappointments and fears, but also share dreams, hopes, and gratitudes. Keeping secrets kills passion.

6. Be funny! Life seems to have supply its own stress and worry, but we have to provide the humor on our own. Share a joke, take time to tickle each other or rent a funny movie, and do it often. The couple that laughs together, often does other fun stuff together, too!

7. Be flexible. Over a lifetime, people change. Hopefully, your relationship will change and grow and mature with as you change. One of you will change careers, the other will change religions. One will have an illness, the other will make a mistake. Relationships either bend and flex with the winds of life, or they break.

8. Be generous. I’ve saved the best for last. After a survey of dozens of couples, the big 3 items that showed up over and over began with "give little gifts". Surprise each other with flowers, candy, a card, or other gift. Do it often. Do it for no particular reason. Do it because you love each other and thought it would be nice to show it with a gift.

9. Be available. The second of the "big 3" was "take time for each other". Schedule time to walk and talk, go for drives in the country, go to dinner and see a movie together. Dozens of couples ranked time together as the most critical component in keeping romance and passion alive.

10. Be physical. This is about sensuality perhaps more than sexuality. Couples talked about the importance of scents, of candles and flowers and walks on the beach. They talked about making love, but mostly they talked about back rubs and holding hands, and creating memories. They talked about getting dressed up and going out, and they talked about skinny-dipping. They talked about being playful and finding their own way. You can do this!

Someone has said, "Life is what happens while you were making other plans." Romance is about real life, not about dreams and fantasies of the perfect partner, someday on a Pacific island. Romance and passion are about taking time to enjoy the company of the person you love. Have fun. Do it today!

About the Author

© Copyright 2003 by Philip E. Humbert. All Rights Reserved. Dr. Philip E. Humbert is a writer, speaker and success coach. Dr. Humbert has over 300 free articles, tools and resources for your success, including a great newsletter! It’s all on his website at: http://www.philiphumbert.com

Then there are those who crave a relationship. They yearn for a relationship, to such an extreme, that they make an unwise choice that leads to sadness, dissatisfaction and broken hearts. The majority of the adult single population fit into the later way of thinking. Desiring a loving, nurturing and safe relationship, they do it: they settle.

Settling is entering into a relationship with a less than desirable mate for the sake of escaping the single life. It is quite common and only inevitably leads down a road of frustration. Caught up in the swirl of desperately trying to find "the one" and the constant ticking of the clock reminding people that they are getting older by the moment, can cause this to happen.

If one settles for a less than pleasing relationships out of the fear of being single and the longing to be a couple, once the relationships falter, the result will be a life full of heartaches. If choosing to remain in the relationship, it will certainly lead to living a life that is not the one truthfully desired. If a person has had a string of broken hearts or is very unsatisfied in their relationship, looking at this from the standpoint of being responsible for whom you choose to be with in a relationship, may bring new perspective to the possibility of settling. If settling is occurring, identifying this as the underlying problem, a person can take preventive measures.

Let us look deeper into the reasons of why one settles. We are raised to believe that the ideal life is one in which we fall in love, marry and then have usually have children. Creating our own family and growing old with our soul mate is instilled in our minds from a very young age. As we enter our late teenage years and early twenties, we are usually weaving our way through relationships, trying to decipher what type of person best fits our needs to sustain a healthy and loving relationship. If a person does not find a truly compatible mate, one that fulfills their emotional and physical needs, provides love, understanding, concern and support through life’s difficulties, it is at this time that one may opt to settle.

There are several aspects involved when one settles. A person may not even realize that they are indeed settling. Fed up with breakups and longing for a stable relationship, a person may settle for a less than compatible relationship. In the beginning of the relationship, this person will feel a temporary relief from the difficulties of being single. With the stereotype of being single in their past, they will enter a relationship full force. Ignoring red flag warnings, and dismissing any subconscious doubts, this person will remain in the relationship until it falls apart. The relationship may be stormy, as a result of a false connection, or it may be a rather peaceful relationship but lacking the strong and powerful love that one deserves.

Settling may bring temporary happiness, however the key word is temporary. When a person is in a relationship that is not the ideal one for them, they are choosing to close off the option of finding true love. This is not fair to the either person in the relationship. We all desire love. We all desire for someone to care for us above all else. We all desire the feeling of being safe and secure in the arms of another. Setting does not produce those results.

If realizing that you are settling, ask yourself this: Do you wish to spend your time in a relationship that is doomed or will bring you limited satisfaction? If entering into one relationship after another with people that you know do not possess the qualities that you are ultimately seeking, do you wish to continue doing so, knowing it will lead to disappointment when the relationship ends?

We all possess the capability to set reasonable expectations in a future mate. Looking into our hearts, we know what type of person will fulfill our needs. Remaining single and waiting to meet someone that will provide you with a truly loving relationship is wise. You should be pleased that you are abiding to your standards. Falsely believing that continuing to remain single is such a dreadful choice, and settling is the option you choose, you will be losing the prospect of truly enjoying your life bonded with someone you undoubtedly love.

About the Author

Copyright 2006 Gary Caine
For more articles on love, dating, divorce and parenting visit Gary’s 3 web sites. 
The Singles Cafe
Women’s Home Page
Men’s Home Page

There are so many different levels that the single person may be on in their life regarding dating and relationships. The level you are on can affect your level of readiness for a relationship. For example, some singles have been serial daters for years refusing to enter a real relationship out of fear of rejection or simply because they love to be single and free of the drama and anguish which relationships may cause. Some singles have been searching for a relationship too hard and end up scaring any potential mates away with that instant cling action. Other single men and women have recently been removed from a relationship and they are on the rebound. Others still are happy being single but will gladly enter a relationship if only the perfect specimen would cross their path. And then of course some of you are thinking, "Well, I’ve had my fill of parties, clubbing and one night stands for the past ten years, my looks are fading, I might as well start the next part of my life, get married and have kids pretty quick".

Obviously a person needs to be in the right frame of mind and the right part of life to try and enter a relationship. You should be mature enough and old enough for a relationship. Your self esteem should be high and you should not feel as if you need a relationship to make you feel better about yourself. You should be able to take care of yourself emotionally and financially and not need to depend on your significant other to take care of you completely. You should be free from past trauma and hurt. And you should be ready to enter a relationship only when you feel you have met the right person. Finally, you should only enter a relationship if you are truly in love. If you do not fill all of the requirements above, you might want to do a little work on yourself before focusing on someone else and a relationship. And if you feel that you do embody the right stuff for a committed relationship, there are even more factors that you will want to think about.

First of all, you may be ready for a relationship, but is it even worth entering one at this point? Too many people jump straight into a relationship just because the other person is attractive and available. After only a week of dating, you both decide that you are exclusive and in a relationship. Well that is just plain silly. You are only entering this relationship because you desire that grounded sense of stability (a noble desire), but you have no idea if you are even compatible on the most basic level. Later on you break up, just one of your many relationship upsets, and your self esteem decreases just a tad as you look back on your history of repeated relationship failures. Obviously, this is not the way to go. Another issue to consider is if this person feels the same way about you as you do about him or her. You may desire to enter a relationship with this person, even though he or she is giving you those wishy washy mixed signals. Ostensibly you might believe he or she is in love with you, but your heart tells you different. If you want a successful loving relationship, you must be absolutely, positively one hundred percent sure that this person feels the same exact way about you. The relationship must be a mutual arrangement. It can not be forced or coerced in any way. Forcing a relationship will usually lead to bitter resentment later on down the road.

As a final note, some relationships do not work even when both partners are ready and the perfect conditions have been set only because one or both lovers did not realize that a real relationship needs work and compromise. This especially relates to the person who has been happily single and dating for many years. Suddenly, you have rules. You must call and check in every once in a while, make plans together, watch out not to offend the other and get over going out with the friends for every weekend, crazy party and holiday like you used to. This takes a while to get used to and if you are not prepared to make these sacrifices and compromises, you may just lose one of the best gifts you can ever receive – life long companionship.

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