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OK, so you have had a relationship fail and your heart is broken. You may be
feeling worthless and confused because you gave your all to your relationship
and it simply did not work out. Your partner betrayed you by choosing to be
with someone else, or they have just dropped out of sight refusing to return
your calls or letters. Is it really the end of the world though?
Well, it probably does mean that your life will be changing whether for better
or worse though may well lie in your own choices. Actually, I venture to say it
does lie in your own choices. I read or heard somewhere that generally speaking
we are all responsible for one aspect of our experience. Our attitude. We can
choose to look at all the things that are wrong with our lives and retreat into
depression and despair, or we can choose to focus on the good things we have;
friends, family, work, and play and rejoice and be glad.
That is likely the first step to healing a broken heart. Make a list of all the
good things in your life and be grateful. Stop trying to figure out what went
wrong. Stop trying to figure out if you could have done anything to prevent it.
Stop trying to somehow place all the blame on yourself or the person who has
decided that the relationship they had with you is not any longer worth the
time or effort to maintain. Let it go. And let the other person be.
Once you have decided to turn your attention to cultivating and maintaining an
attitude of gratitude, now you have another choice to make. The choice to
forgive. To forgive the person who has left. And to forgive yourself. This may
take some doing and an ongoing commitment to your decision to forgive. You may
find yourself going over details of your past relationship in your mind and
feeling hurt or disappointed by the other person or yourself. That is why your
choice to forgive is going to require a personal commitment and an ongoing
effort. But it will be worth it.
And you do need to forgive to heal. Forgiving and giving grace are essential
components of the healing process. Although some may disagree with this notion
and view forgiveness as a weakness, it is a strength. Forgiving another simply
and in its most basic terms, is placing whatever that person or people have
done to you in the category of having never happened. Not denying that such and
such occurred but making a mental choice to simply overlook whatever occurred
and not allow it to be bigger then you are.
Forgetting the past hurts and putting them into perspective would be the next
step to healing a broken heart. A practical ways of doing this can be to look
for lessons in your experience. Here are some starting points for finding the
lessons in your heartbreak. Ask yourself, "what was I expecting from this
relationship that may have been either unrealistic or simply not agreed upon
with the other person?" This is many times the reason that a relationship will
fail. One or both people involved either have or develop unrealistic or not
agreed upon expectations of the relationship or each other.
If that was the case and you have the personal integrity to recognize it, then
you have gained valuable insight into yourself and your relationship
expectations that will make the likelihood of having a happy and personally
fulfilling relationship much greater. And this would be the next step in
healing your broken heart. Find the lessons but do not dwell on who is
responsible for the break up. Just devote your mental energy to finding the
lessons and discovering yourself a bit more.
When you have discovered your lessons, determined your expectations and
uncovered some more about yourself, you will actually be in the position to
find and develop an intimate relationship that is happy and fulfilling. You
will be ready to try again. And that is the final step in healing your broken
heart. Trying again. Do not, whatever you do; decide to yourself that you will
never be hurt again or you are not going to try again or take the risk. Not if
you want to heal completely that is. This is why some people spend years alone
and hurting, because rather then making the commitment to trying again, they
retreat into the falsely protective space of not trying again.
Let's face it, whether we try again or not we are still going to get hurt by
people sometimes. Even if we tuck ourselves away behind our computer screen and
never go out except to buy groceries or mail a letter, we will still get hurt
sometimes. It only makes sense then to not allow past relationship failures to
steal any hope or chance we have at future happiness and fulfillment in
intimacy. It may be that you will need to go through this basic process more
then once and if so don't feel bad about it. Use these principles and apply
them as many times as necessary.
In conclusion, you have the choice to get over it or not. Relationship failures
present one with choices and decisions to make. If you will follow this simple
prescription you will get over it and in time mature from your experience. And
when the opportunity arises again to create and maintain an intimate
relationship, and that time will come; you will be more prepared and mature.
And your relationship will flourish and grow into something beautiful. If you
choose to let it.
For more advice and resources about creating and maintaining intimate personal
relationships please visit
http://www.intimacyadvisor.bravehost.com