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So, you want to fall in love? You are certainly old
enough and moving well along your chosen career path. Many of your friends are
either married or in committed relationships. You have grown weary of the
singles scene and the solitary life.
Therefore, you must be ready, right?
Not necessarily.
So what is relationship readiness anyway? Exactly what it says. You are
adequately capable of handling the commitment and challenges that a healthy,
intimate relationship requires.
How do you know if you are ready? What are the characteristics you need to have
or acquire in order to be ready for true love?
There are four primary areas that you should explore in order to assess your
present state of readiness.
1. Take an inventory of past traumas and related major issues.
You should mentally review these and honestly look at how well you have already
addressed and resolved them.
As you work through each, ask yourself, "Is this impacting me negatively in my
present life." Also explore with yourself the possibility that the issue could
become problematic once you have entered into an intimate relationship.
If you believe that there are things you have not yet adequately dealt with, you
need to go to work on these. If you are unsure, then they bear closer
examination. Consider utilizing resources such as therapy or joining a support
group.
An example of such issues can include, but not be limited to; emotional,
physical or sexual abuse in childhood, parents' divorce, loss of a parent or
other loved one, or a past abusive or dysfunctional love relationship.
2. How's your self-awareness and self-esteem?
If you do not possess adequate self knowledge and a positive sense of self; an
intimate relationship will be difficult or impossible to sustain.
For instance, do you know yourself well enough to answer the following?
Can you state your most deeply held values?
Do you know what you can't live with or without in a relationship?
Do you have a good grasp of your life goals?
Do you know your own strengths and weaknesses?
Now, do a quick assessment of your self-esteem.
How do you see yourself?
How do others see you?
Remember you present different selves:
at work
with family
with friends
in gatherings with acquaintances
If your answers tell you that you have difficulty accepting and liking yourself,
or if others frequently respond negatively to you in your interactions with
them, then this is an area you should begin work on. Self-love is at the
foundation of all healthy relationships.
3. Are your past relationships really in the past?
If we don't get adequate closure on painful experiences/issues from past
relationships, we are at risk of bringing them into present and future
relationships in order to relive and resolve them.
Therefore, it's important to know that you have dealt adequately with any
significant hurt or loss and have learned from any dysfunctional dynamics you
may have contributed to.
If you find yourself slipping into unhealthy patterns in your thoughts or
Behaviors as they relate to others; stop, identify, and then deal with that
leftover issue.
4. Do you know what you want from a relationship?
We enter into relationships for many different reasons and with many different
expectations. Knowing what yours are will help you to determine if this is the
right relationship for you.
Too often we "choose" someone using an unconscious level of thought as our
primary input. It is there that we hold our deepest unmet needs, fears and
desires. Unfortunately, there is often a chasm between our conscious and
unconscious selves that keeps this information "hidden" from our rational and
thinking side.
Therefore, it is very important to examine all of your feeling and needs
regarding any future relationship. Honestly look at what you must have and
cannot live without.
You must know what you want and need from a future partner in order to choose
the right one for you.
Now, spend some time exploring these four important areas before you enter into
a serious romantic relationship. By doing so, you will be helping to ensure
that your new relationship will be a healthy and lasting one.
About the Author
Toni Coleman is a licensed therapist and relationship coach in private practice
in McLean, Virginia. She specializes in working with singles that want to
create lasting, intimate relationships. Toni has over 20 years of post-masters
experience in relationship counseling and coaching with singles and couples.
She is the founder and President of LifeChange Coaching and Consum-mate
Relationship Coaching. She developed and teaches the Creating Lasting
Relationships Training, a tele-workshop designed to help singles to define,
implement and fulfill their life and relationship goals. She has also written
numerous email classes for singles on all aspects of meeting, dating and
relating. She is the author of the email newsletter, The Art of Intimacy, which
goes out to thousands of subscribers monthly.
http://www.consum-mate.com