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If you're asking yourself that question, then somewhere within you there must
be a desire to forgive the other person. After all, if you knew 100% for sure
without doubts that you definitely should NOT forgive, then you wouldn't be
entertaining the question, right? You would have already said your goodbyes and
would be moving on with your new life and licking your wounds. You may or may
not have trust issues in your future relationships depending on how you
processed the infidelity in your past. But what if you are struggling with the
question? What then?
The first thing you need to look at above and beyond all else is the cheater's
character. Do they have a history of cheating on their partners? Do they have a
history of cheating on you? Are they too self-centered to deny themselves
whatever pleasures come along? Are they well meaning but weak? Unless someone's
incredibly ugly, they're going to face temptation some time during their life.
Saying no is all about having backbone, willpower, self-discipline, and the
ability to truly care about another person's feelings. Does your partner have
all of those traits? If not, then forget it. Move on.
Let's assume for whatever reason that you have decided that yes your partner
has the ability to be faithful and this was a one time indiscretion. You now
need to look at why they did what they did. Motivation is more important than
the act itself. If you know why they cheated, then it's possible to avoid
having the same triggers repeated. Were you emotionally and physically distant
for so long that you may as well have pushed them into finding love elsewhere?
We are a love hungry species. Our spirits die when we do not feel loved. The
body will follow. You've heard of the old couples who die within a short time
of each other. You've also seen the studies they've done with the baby monkeys
who don't thrive and grow without their mamas. It's the way of us to seek love.
That's our supreme motivator. So look at what caused the infidelity. If you can
honestly say that yes you were completely loving and supportive and they
cheated anyway, then you may want to consider walking away from them. If they
give you some other reason that makes absolute sense to you and you can truly
see it as a forgivable reason, then so be it. Forgive them. If they don't have
a reason that makes sense to you, then don't forgive them.
The next thing to evaluate is what is at stake. What kind of a life have you
built together and what does it mean to you? Do you have children together? A
long marriage? A business and material wealth? What if you don't think you can
trust them and yet you will lose everything that you do love by leaving them?
That's something that only you can answer. Is the money, the marriage, the
children worth a lifetime of being cheated on? You decide. Maybe it's a
marriage of convenience anyway and you really don't care where they sleep. Then
it's going to be much easier to forgive them then if they are your one true
love and your emotional health is at risk by having your heart shattered.
As you know, there are plenty of reasons to choose not to forgive and forget.
But what if you have created a long beautiful life together and your partner is
a wonderful parent to your children? What if you feel just as much to blame for
the infidelity because you had pushed them away for too long. What if they had
made an honest effort to work things out with you but you just kept pushing
them away? What then? Just because you want to forgive them doesn't mean that
you can forgive them. How do you forgive and forget? The bible may tell us to
turn the other cheek, but how? How do you do it? There's a big difference
between saying, "I forgive you" on a generic spiritual level and saying, "I
forgive you" on a personal heart to heart level. The key to real forgiveness
must involve trust. At some level you have to really believe in your heart of
hearts that you can trust this person to never ever repeat such a painful
choice again. If you don't really believe that, then you aren't really going to
forgive them and the underlying resentment will eat away at whatever is left of
the foundation of your relationship.
I believe that the most important barometer of how easy or hard it is to
forgive is how they behave after the event. Do they browbeat you with comments
like, "Look I said I'm sorry. Get over it already." Or are they beating
themselves up for having caused you this pain? Are they offering to jump
through hoops to prove to you that they have learned a horrible lesson and will
make damn sure it never happens again? The intensity of their apology and their
willingness to allow you to feel the pain of it will have a direct impact on
your ability to heal from the infidelity and on their ability to rebuild trust
in your eyes. If they demand that you simply trust them on their word and they
have done nothing to show you that they are taking full responsibility for the
broken trust, then leave them. It's not your fault that they broke the trust
even if you were not emotionally available to them, the breach of trust was
done on their part. You can't force yourself to trust someone again. Just like
when our teenagers lie to us and have to earn back our trust, it's no different
between adults whether the trust was broken in a marriage or a business
relationship. It's their job to recreate that. They need to find their own way
back.
Copyright 2004, Skye Thomas, Tomorrow's Edge
About the Author
Skye Thomas is the CEO of Tomorrow's Edge, an Internet leader in inspiring leaps
of faith. She became a writer in 1999 after twenty years of studying
spirituality, metaphysics, astrology, personal growth, motivation, and
parenting. Her books and articles have inspired people of all ages and faiths
to recommit themselves to the pursuit of happiness. After years of high heels
and business clothes, she is currently enjoying working from home in her
pajamas. To read more of her articles, sign up to receive her free weekly
newsletter, and get free previews of her books go to
www.TomorrowsEdge.net.
Skye@TomorrowsEdge.net
Reprinted from ArticleCity.com