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This may be the most important article you'll read about
dealing with your husband's affair. There's plenty of information available on
what to do if your husband is cheating. But very little has been written about
the things you shouldn't do.
Your husband is cheating. You're not sure what to do. Before wrestling with
that decision, let's focus first on what you SHOULDN'T do. Most women react
blindly when they find out their husbands are having an affair. They let fear,
anger, hurt, or a desire for revenge compel them to do things they later regret
-- things which make it difficult or impossible to implement any worthwhile
infidelity advice they may later receive.
This article will keep you from making a mistake that could sabotage the course
of action you eventually decide to take. Regardless of whether you decide to
leave your husband or stay with him and try to work things out, doing the wrong
thing at the outset can make a bad situation worse. Let's look at 5 key things
you SHOULDN'T do and examine the reasons why.
1. Don't put him out or leave him - yet.
Instead of your first move, putting your husband out or leaving him should be
your last resort. You may eventually decide to do this, but for now, it's the
worst thing you can do. Right now you need to keep a close eye on what's going
on. It'll be easier to do that if the two of you are still living under the
same roof. If you put him out or leave, you'll be hard-pressed to know what
he's doing, short of hiring an investigator. As long as you're still together,
you can keep your finger on the pulse of his affair and gather some much-needed
facts. There's a lot you need to know about the situation before you can make
an intelligent decision about what to do. Continue monitoring your husband's
activities, attitude, the frequency of his contact with his lover and any other
details concerning his affair. Write everything down in a journal for future
use. Also bear in mind that as long as he's still there, you have a chance to
work things out.
2. Don't tell the whole world about his infidelity.
It's natural to want to confide in somebody about your husband's affair, or
rally friends and family to your side. But be very cautious about who you tell.
The female friend you confide in could turn out to be the "other woman." Make
sure you're confiding in someone you know you can trust. Confiding in a male
friend about your husband's affair could complicate the situation. There are
men out there who take advantage of women when they're in a vulnerable state.
Telling your husband's friends or family may not produce the results you want.
They might not take you seriously, or they may lie, make excuses for him, take
his side, or warn him to cover his tracks. Confiding in your own family and
friends can eventually come back to haunt you. Elephants aren't the only ones
who never forget. Some people have a tendency to remember unpleasant events
long after they've been resolved. If you and your husband decide to reconcile,
they could make things difficult by harboring anger and hostility toward him
for what he did to you. Or they may show resentment toward you for taking him
back. Exercise caution in who you tell about your husband's affair.
3. Don't ignore his affair or pretend it's not happening.
Going into denial will only make matters worse. As traumatic as it is to find
out that your husband has been cheating, you need to face the reality of the
situation. Ignoring his infidelity gives him the go-ahead to continue his
affair. Pretending it's not happening will make him think he's getting away
with his cheating, or give him the impression that he has your silent approval.
At some point you should inform your husband that you know about his affair and
make it clear that you want it to stop. The sooner you confront him about his
cheating, the better. The longer you wait to bring it up and express your
disapproval, the more attached he will become to the other woman. And the
harder it will be to get your marriage back on track. Remember too, that
affairs thrive in secrecy. Sometimes, just telling your husband you know about
it, will be enough to put a stop to his affair.
4. Don't confront him without the 3 P's - Proof, a Plan, and a Purpose.
Most experts agree that you should confront your husband about his cheating.
But you need to have a plan. Choose the time and place carefully so you can
discuss the affair at length without interruption. DO NOT ask your husband if
he's cheating. CHEATERS ALWAYS LIE. Present the evidence you've gathered that
proves he's having an affair - names, dates, places, times, absences, phone
calls, physical evidence, etc. Then ask him some pointed questions about his
affair: why he did it, how it started, how long it's been going on, how he
feels about the other woman, what he intends to do now that you know. Listen
carefully to his answers so you can accurately assess the situation. Then
you'll be able to make a wise decision about what course of action to take. DO
NOT CONFRONT YOUR HUSBAND WITHOUT PROOF OF HIS INFIDELITY. To do so will be a
colossal waste of time. Unless you can prove he's been cheating, the
information-gathering phase will never get off the ground. If you need proof,
there's a way for you to get it without hiring a detective or buying software
or surveillance equipment. "Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs" will
help you find all the proof you need using only your eyes and ears, your
personal knowledge of your husband, and the information in this book.
5. Don't waste your time and energy on the other woman.
One of the worst things you can do is become obsessed with the other woman.
It's natural for you to be curious about her, but she's not worth your time and
energy. Repeatedly questioning your husband about her, referring to her or
dragging her name into the conversation puts the spotlight on her instead of on
the real issues where it belongs. Don't obsess over the details of what
happened between the two them. Concentrate on working things out between the
two of you. Do not humiliate or frustrate yourself by calling or confronting
the other woman and demanding that she leave your husband alone. She's not
obligated to take orders from you. Harassing her or threatening her will put
you on the wrong side of the law. Name-calling, criticizing or belittling the
her will only make your husband come to her defense. You'll be driving them
closer together instead of forcing them apart Forget about the other woman and
focus your energy and efforts on getting your marriage back on track.
Will you end up sabotaging your marriage or saving it? The final outcome
depends on the way you handle things when you first discover your husband's
affair. In the initial stages, you may be unsure exactly what you're going to
do. But at least you know what NOT to do. Whether you stay with your husband or
leave him, avoiding these mistakes, leaves the way clear for whatever decision
you eventually make.
© 2003 by Ruth Houston
About the Author
Ruth Houston is the author of "Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs." To
learn more about her book, sign up for her infidelity newsletter, or receive a
FREE Infidelity report and list of 29 Telltale Signs, visit her website at
http://www.IsHeCheatingOnYou.com
or mailto: CheatingSigns@aol.com
Reprinted from ArticleCity.com