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Language is a behavior potentially under our control,
and a powerful loop. It's how we act upon the world, and how the world acts
upon us. It's how we express our thoughts and feelings, and it also influences
our thoughts and feelings. This includes what we say to ourselves as well as
what others say to us. Barring physical force, language is how we get what we
want.
Being able to name something gives power. I'm not talking about naming
furniture. I'm talking about the hard stuff. It's "the nameless dread" that
gets to us. We can deal with "I hate asking women out and risking rejection."
(After you read this article, you'll reframe that as "It's unpleasant to risk
rejection, but I'll guts it out to get what I want."
If you can name reactions, you can think and plan a strategy. When you realize
there's fear (of losing her) behind your anger (she's going on a vacation
alone), you can avoid doing something stupid. A pounding heart and blind anger
are good for telling you what you want, not good for getting it.
A man doesn't always choose a verbal strategy, but it must be in your
repertoire, and it's women's #1 strategy.
How do people know you're shy? Once you show up, they know from your
language--verbal and nonverbal. At a party, a shy guy hangs back, walks the
edges of the crowd, doesn't interrupt a formed-group, waits for permission to
speak, and says little. Eye contact is brief, gestures small, and posture
tense. It's as if he's trying to "make small." Compare this to the mating
strategy of most male animals who puff up, bellow, rear on their hind legs to
appear taller, extend their arms and beat their chests, and "make big." The
message is, "Look at me. I've got it. You want it. Come get it."
Women who see a shy guy think he's in distress and they either want to change
you (kick your butt), avoid you (dead end), or help you ([s]mother hen).
Do you like those options? I'm not telling you what to do, but if your shyness
is keeping you from getting the women you want, you might want to try something
different.
1. Manage your self-talk about women.
Locker-room talk with the guys happens, but if that's how you refer to women in
your own head, objectifying them as body parts is going to manifest and you'll
drive the good ones away. Get neutral and positive in your head. Your date
isn't a "babe," a "dog," a "ball-buster," or a "heart-breaker." She's a woman,
she's got a name, she's got traits, qualities, and a personality.
And don't tell me "men fall in love visually." That's like saying "toddlers
throw things when they get mad." We have a 50% divorce rate going on right now,
and it isn't because a man trying to marry a pair of legs is such a great idea.
The divorce rate for second marriages is 60%, and for third, 70%, which means
those that didn't learn the first time, don't learn again, and that's the
definition of insanity -- doing the same thing and expecting a different
result.
Marriage is a lesson in learning TO love A REAL HUMAN BEING, not falling IN ove
with a turned-up nose, which requires EQ, and if you made a bad call, like
choosing a woman whose bra size is bigger than her IQ, it's one long painful
trip to hell that can wreck your health and finances. It's particularly risky
to marry a woman 20 years younger. The odds are against you, heavily, and smart
guys play the odds, right? You would have to be at least 40, and the statistics
say the older the man at the time of the divorce, the more likely it was the
woman who filed. Ergo, she'll be the one to leave. If the man did it for ego,
he has dug his own grave, which is what ego creates.
2. Manage your self-talk about dating.
If you say, "I'm too shy. I always get turned down" that's a self-fulfilling
prophecy. You're better off counting sheep! Best bet, reframe: "I have what it
takes. I'm doing fine."
3. Manage your language when you're out.
This takes practice. What you need to do is amp up enough to get noticed, and
to get treated right. The best way to do this is with coaching. Also observe a
man who's getting what you want. It's a set of behaviors, like a tennis serve.
It can be learned.
Learn and practice now, not when she's got your head spinning. We don't
practice punts and passes in a game. We practice before, with a coach.
AS IT HEATS UP, AVOID THESE:
1. Tunnel Vision.
Seeing what suits you, not what's going on. Think straight. Waking up once with
a coyote-girl is expected. Finding out you married an addict isn't.
2. Taking It Out of Context.
She emails you that you sure were grumpy last night when you were hungry. You
tell your buddy it's over because she she's a nag. She said you were grumpy.
3. Arbitrary Inferences.
On the third date, don't look at her in that slinky black dress and infer (1)
she sleeps around, or (2) she wants to have your sons. She's dressing that way
because that's how she dresses.
4. Overgeneralization.
Over-reacting to something small. It's been 3 months, you're in love, and that
night she's late. Don't think, "She's late. She can't be trusted. She's
irresponsible."
5. Polarized Thinking.
If you start wanting her bad, you don't have two choices -- (1) ask her to
marry you now, or (2) dump her so you don't have to go through the pain. You
have 100 options. Every time. That's EQ.
6. Magnification.
You go on your first vacation together and she spends money like a drunk
sailor. You think, "I can't marry this woman. She 'll bankrupt me." Likewise
don't "awfulize" it. Yes you can stand that out-of-control feeling you get when
you're with her. It's love, cowboy. It's supposed to feel good. (Like
bull-riding feels good, right?)
7. Biased Explanations/Negative Labeling.
She's testy with the waiter one night, and you make an isolated incident based
on fatigue into a character flaw. She lets another guy kiss her on the cheek.
You label her the "s" word and suddenly she's evil.
8. Personalizing.
Sensitive Shy Guy, there are reasons why people do things that have nothing to
do with "Yo". She's quiet tonight because she has a cold.
9. Mind Reading.
It's a good way to get your heart broken. One girl's "I love you" means forever
after. Another's means "Great party and you're cute."
10. Divine Right.
The feeling is strong, it's yours, so it's justified and immutable. Not. If
you're mad, you can get unmad. And it isn't someone else's fault. True you
wouldn't be mad if she hadn't lost her keys, but someone else wouldn't be mad
because she lost her keys. (Honest!)
About the Author
©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach,
http://www.susandunn.cc. Helping shy guys get the girl.
Coaching, Internet courses and ebooks. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc
for information and fees. Check out the SHY GUYS CAN WIN BLOG
http://shyguyscan.myblogsite.com. Visit the best ebook library
on the Internet -
http://www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html.