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In the world of online dating misrepresentation is at an all time high. Janice,
a fitness enthusiast, was excited about her e-mail exchange with Rob. He seemed
to share her interest in fitness and the outdoors. They wrote about mountain
biking, skiing and golfing. Rob suggested an interest in these activities, but
never mentioned once having engaged in any of them.
When Janice and Rob met it became apparent that he was not a fitness or outdoors
enthusiast. In real life he also looked much older than in the picture that
accompanied his online profile. He had misrepresented himself to impress
Janice. Needless to say, they parted after their first face-to-face encounter
with mixed feelings. Discovering incompatibility in e-mail exchanges becomes
much easier if you follow these tips:
BE TRUTHFUL in your own description. While mingling among
singles in a highly competitive environment you may be tempted to paint your
very best picture. Putting your best foot forward does not mean inflating your
image or exaggerating in your profile. The key to finding a compatible love is
being authentic instead of pretending to be what you are not. Being real may
not guarantee a huge number of online dates, but if you are serious about, love
the bottom line is quality, not quantity. To find a like-minded date, don't
play games. When your profile rings true, you will probably attract someone who
is also truthful.
DIG DEEPER once you have begun your email exchange. Ask
questions about his or her life, values, beliefs, hobbies, likes and dislikes.
Rephrase your questions in subsequent e-mails and compare the answers. Continue
to go back to the person's profile and look for discrepancies. For example, to
verify a person's age, ask when they either left high school or graduated from
university. To find out if he or she really loves hiking, ask where they
usually hike. To check employment, ask what he or she does during a regular
workday and if they enjoy their work. Aaron believed he was e-mailing the
kindest girl until he asked Kyra about her relationship with her sister. Kyra
electronically flew off the handle calling her sister names. Aaron new then
that he did not like the other Kyra he had just been exposed to. The only thing
you risk by asking questions is that your new e-mail friend will drop "out of
the loop."
BRING UP ISSUES that are important to you. If one of your
priorities is family, talk about your respective families. It won't take long
to find out if this is a shared priority. If you love traveling, raise this
topic to see if there is excitement or if he or she has even boarded a plane.
Perhaps education, knowledge or current issues are of great interest to you. In
that case, raise these matters in your dialogue to probe his or her awareness
and interest. A healthy lifestyle might be important to you. Talk about it!
There is no point in involving yourself with someone with no interest in a
healthy lifestyle. Whatever your values, beliefs or worldviews, use the e-mail
exchange to reflect on these issues. Read between the lines. We all have a
tendency to read or see things we like, even when they are not there. This
practice will help you to determine compatibility early in the game. Shared
values are important ingredients for long-term commitment.
REMEMBER the reason why you are meeting someone online. If you
just want to increase your circle of friends, by all means have fun and meet
everyone. If you are searching for the love of your life, be selective and dig
deeper. Don't waste each other's time. Far too many singles have depleted their
dating energy by e-mailing all night long with people who they would never
introduce to their parents. Be smart and cut to the chase!
About the Author
(c)2004 Allie Ochs, Relationship Expert, Coach, Speaker and the Author of "Are
You Fit To Love?" ISBN 0-9720227-9-1. Her articles are published in magazines
and newsletters. She has appeared on radio and TV. Visit her website at
www.fit2love.com
for FREE relationship and dating advice.