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Dating is tough, but it's tougher for women who are divorced and widowed. Along
with the fears of being "out of practice," there are often children's feelings
to consider.
How can a single mother enjoy a new romance without lying awake at night
worrying about doing emotional damage to her children? Personal Strengths and
Life Coach Sue Tosto of Garfield, New Jersey provides the answers.
1. How soon after divorce or the death of a husband is it appropriate to
start dating?
It depends on the individual, but anyone going through a divorce should wait at
least six months to one year before even considering dating someone new.
Emotions are running high, and a person needs time to heal before putting
herself back on the market. Some newly divorced or widowed people jump into
relationships too early because they're afraid of being alone. That's almost
always a mistake.
The first year after a divorce is the time to re-group and focus on making new
friendships. A woman can reflect on all the things she wanted to do when she
was married but didn't. This is a rough time emotionally, but it helps to view
it as a fresh start. It's the perfect time to re-develop a sense of self and
decide what one really wants in life. A woman can consider what she hopes for
in a new relationship and let go of the past in the process.
Dating after the death of a husband or partner is also not recommended for at
least one full year. Two years is even better. The grieving process should
never be rushed, and the length of time it takes for the bereaved to move on
varies according to the individual.
Other matters to consider before dating include waiting until estate matters
have been handled, i.e., insurance matters, review of the will, and the
assignment of an executor or executrix if necessary. The stress a new
relationship can cause during this emotional time is not recommended.
As with divorce, this is a time to spend with friends. It also helps to join a
support group of others who have lost a loved one.
2. How long should the mother wait before introducing a new boyfriend to her
children?
She should know him at least six months to a year. Otherwise, if she decides
after dating him for 4 months that the relationship is going nowhere, the
children will inevitably feel another loss. No child should be put through that
after going through divorce or death of a parent. Children need time to heal as
well. If the new man doesn't respect that, he's probably not great boyfriend
material.
The first three months of a relationship is the honeymoon period. Everything is
fresh and exciting. After around six months, the couple tends to relax and good
behavior wears off. A woman gets to see what she's really dealing with. Before
she introduces her new beau to her children, she needs to find out what his
goals are, to see if his values and beliefs are consistent with hers, and
really develop a friendship with him.
3. What is the best way to introduce a new boyfriend?
Once a woman decides to start dating, she should explain it to each of her
children in an age-appropriate manner. After she and a new partner have spent
six months to a year together, she can start telling the children things about
him, particularly what she likes about him or little stories about places
they've gone together. This way the children understand that Mom is still Mom,
which is critical, but they'll also see that she's happier. They will slowly
make the adjustment that they may soon share her with somebody else.
Inevitably, the children will become curious about him. They may ask to meet
him. I think it is wise to slowly incorporate the new partner into the family.
4. How should she handle it if the child resents the new relationship?
Should she stop seeing the boyfriend?
Children will often resent a new relationship for the simple reason that they
now have to share their mother with someone else. A woman can reassure her
children that even though she is going out, she is coming back home to them.
She should continue do the things with them she always did. Before she even
starts dating, it might help to hire a babysitter and use the afternoon to go
shopping, just to get the children accustomed to seeing her go out every once
in a while.
Observing the children's reactions while the new man is around should provide
some clues to other causes of resentment. A woman should also gently ask her
children why they don't like her new partner. She should remember, though, that
some children may not know exactly how to express why they dislike someone.
It's important to tread carefully. A new relationship is stressful for the
whole family.
If the children are really having a hard time with it, family counseling can
get to the root of the problem, especially if all other avenues have been
exhausted. The most important thing a single parent can do is to treat her
children the same way she did before she met the new partner.
5. Is it ever acceptable to allow the boyfriend to sleep over, or should the
couple book a babysitter and get a room?
Get a room, unless the kids are at Dad's for the weekend. Children don't need
to see some stranger coming out of Mom's room in the morning (or their Dad's,
either). A new relationship is exciting and the partners are certainly entitled
to time alone, but a single parent must handle it delicately and deliberately.
Her (or his) behavior will instruct the children about man/woman relationships
in ways they will carry around with them for the rest of their lives.
About The Author
Terry MacDonald is the author of How to Attract and Marry the Man of Your Dreams
(Even if You're Not Rich, Thin, or Beatiful). Visit her website at
www.marrysmart.com
terry@marrysmart.com
Reprinted from ArticleCity.com