|
|
|
|
Latest Articles
 |
You're dating and your religious beliefs are different. How much difference
does this make?
The answer is: A person's religious beliefs are important to you to the degree
they're important to you. This may sound like begging the question, but it's an
important thing to 'get'. Assuming you're looking for marriage, you need to
make a "must have" and "can't stand" list. If certain religious beliefs go into
either group, pay attention to them, because you won't be happy if they aren't
there (or are and shouldn't be) and the relationship won't work in the long
run.
Begging the question is what Zen is all about. The koan can mean you're asking a
question no one knows the answer to, or that you don't need an answer to, or
you know the answer as well as anyone, you just don't know it by reason (which
is limited).
In the case of religious beliefs, the emotionally intelligent thing to do is to
figure out what you want (work with a coach for clarity; it's worth it) and
then experience the person.
Word your religious "must haves" and "can't stands" precisely. Do you mean
adherence to a certain set of principals as espoused by a certain faith, such
as being Methodist, or Buddhist? Do you need someone to agree with every word
you say about it?
Or do you believe in certain spiritual principals which could be compatible with
various faiths?
Does it matter to you more how the person argues their faith verbally, or how
they live it in their daily actions and behaviors? Some people live in a way
that's very compatible with certain faiths, though they may not officially
belong to any religious organization.
Apply your emotional intelligence competencies as you date.
1. ZEN: "A tree that is unbending is easily broken." Lao Tzu EQ COMPETENCY:
FLEXIBILITY Use all your brains. You must feel how you feel around this person
(see point number 2) and also think about what it is you're after at the
deepest and broadest level so that you can have the flexibility to deal with
another imperfect, not entirely predictable human being.
2. ZEN: "Only the supremely wise and the abysmally ignorant do not change."
Confucius EQ COMPETENCY: Understanding of people. You have to allow for the
fact that the individual may change. Few people make extreme changes in their
core being and basic operating principals, but many of us make changes and
adjustments in behaviors and thoughts. Get to know the person well enough so
you have a sense of their core. For example: If the person you're dating has
murdered someone, I wouldn't stick around. If they were once an addict, have
been in recovery for 20 years, and made sufficient personality changes, give it
a guarded go. If they once kicked a dog and still talk about it with remorse,
full speed ahead. (For more on this "how much baggage to accept on the midlife
dating flight" read "Midlife Dating Manual for Women" (http://tinyurl.com/6ny55
).
3. ZEN: "If you are too excited by joy, later you will have to cry." Tibetan
saying. EQ COMPETENCY: Reality-testing. Roughly translated this means that it's
best to go slow and find a person with a modulated response to you. Don't get
so excited you aren't paying attention. Even soul-mates may disagree on how to
load the dishwasher. How can you expect exact alignment in the articulation of
a religious belief? Therefore, number 4.
4. ZEN: "We think in generalities but we live in detail." Alfred North Whitehead
EQ COMPETENCY: Impulse control Take the time to get to know the person in
little and daily ways. Someone can talk one way and act another. They can say
they don't believe in abusing animals (or anything else) and still do it. Only
time will tell.
5. ZEN: "Think with the whole body." Taisen Deshimaru EQ COMPETENCY: Intuition
Oddly enough, thinking with the whole body is what intuition is about. The
quickest and surest way to know whether it's a fit is to use your intuition
(gut feeling, instincts). How do you know your gut feeling? From you gut! Your
body sends you physiological messages. Can you completely relax with this
person? If so, there is deep trust, the foundation of lasting relationships.
Has your health deteriorated since dating them? If so, and there's no obvious
physical cause, move on. Tricky because dating raises stress levels, which
affect our immune system, which IS our health. Give it time. There's EUstress
and there's DIStress. Know the difference. Work with a certified EQ coach.
6. ZEN: "We do not want churches because they will teach us to quarrel about
God." Chief Joseph EQ COMPETENCY: Constructive discontent. When there are
disagreements, figure out what you're really arguing about. If it's just
semantics, it's just semantics. It was in vogue, for instance, in the
Renaissance to debate how many angels would fit on the head of a pin. This is
hardly likely to play itself out in how the person lives their life. It's an
intellectual exercise.
7. ZEN: "A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed
that uses it." Rabindranath Tagore EQ COMPETENCY: Integrated self. The
interface between intellect and emotions. Someone who engages in intellectual
repartee about matters of the heart hasn't got it together, and you don't need
to get-together with them. Wouldn't you rather be loved than understood, if it
came to that (and it will)?
8. ZEN: "Beware, as they say, of mistaking the finger for the moon when you're
pointing at it." John Cage EQ COMPETENCY: Intentionality. Date the person long
enough to determine that when they talk about their religious beliefs, they
have intention to follow them. In other words, they're not just repeating
something they memorized, or just saying what they think you want to hear.
Someone deeply in that delicious falling-in-love stage will do this. Haven't
you? That's why we take our time.
9. ZEN: "The first sign of your becoming religious is that you are becoming
cheerful." Swami Vivekananda EQ COMPETENCY: Positive attitude, optimism. IF you
believe this is the test of "being religious," then Swami Vivekananda is the
man for you. If you prefer a person with a positive attitude, as I do, and it
comes with religious belief, better yet. 10. ZEN: "When a dog runs at you,
whistle for him." Henry David Thoreau EQ COMPETENCY: Common sense! When it
feels right and good, go for it!
Ultimately it's difficult to live with someone who doesn't have your same values
and priorities. Annette discovered this when dating a man outside her faith. He
loved her and was willing to convert, attending classes and services with her.
She was troubled that even so, he didn't "believe" what she did. Growing up
with a certain faith makes it engrained at a level it can rarely be approached
when it's learned later in life. There's a huge time factor in there. This may
or may not be unsurmountable. In Annette's case it was. She couldn't feel he
had, or ever would have, the same beliefs as she did.
Thomas, on the other hand, fell in love with someone outside his faith, from
another culture, and more than 10 years younger. "Still," he said, "we're two
peas in a pod. I could care less if she goes to a synagogue and I don't."
Samia married someone she met at her place of worship, but problems began to
spring up immediately. "I assumed too much, she said. "I thought we felt the
same way about things, but it didn't live out the way I thought it would. I
wish I'd given it more time. It's hard to think when you're that much in love."
Samia found it was a difference that wouldn't work and they separated. In their
case, their religious beliefs, in words, were a match, but they weren't lived
out in ways that were compatible.
P.S. If you come from different faith backgrounds and plan to have children,
work this one out ahead of time. It can be a bigee when the time comes. ©Susan
Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach,
http://www.susandunn.cc . Coaching, internet courses and
ebooks around emotional intelligence for midlife, transitions, personal
development, relationships and career. Susan is the author of "Midlife Dating
Manual." For FREE EQ ezine, mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc
and put "ezine" for subject.